I Am Nothing... (and other rabbit trails)...

I laugh as I try to think of what to say and what not to say. I settled on a topic--one that the Lord has been working on me for over a year now--but I am starting to feel like the queen of rabbit trails!! I think it's actually more common (especially with women) than I realize, but man, my brain must be one HUGE plate of spaghetti (see the book Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti) 'cause everything always connects!! :) Ok, so that's my warning that each blog entry should have the addition of "and other rabbit trails" after each title. It may not bother you ladies as much, but I know it drives my hubby crazy and if I were writting this for him, he would already be so annoyed, he would have quit reading about 4 lines up... hehe... And, on my final rabbit trail of this paragraph, I am finding it SO hard to blog when there's any noise! If you've ever been to my office at the church (where I work part-time as the Early Childhood Director), you might be confused as to how I can get a surprising amount of work done in there and yet, need absolute silence to blog. Let me explain. My office is also the server room for the entire (large) network. It sounds like an airplane is getting ready to take off. But it never actually takes off. And I work just fine! I can't hear anybody talking outside my (open) door, but I work just fine! :) So, you can see why I'm a little disappointed that I can't write a post without absolute silence. So, I have exactly one hour where everyone's at school/sleeping and I chose to blog instead of shower. I'm gonna look like death warmed over when I get out to pick the kids up from school, but darnit, I blogged!!

Hmmm, I'm starting to think maybe I should title this post just "rabbit trails" and then start a new one. Sorry everyone. :)  So, assuming any of you are still reading, I am excited to collect all my thoughts in one place about what the Lord's been teaching me about love. I thought I was doing good and then, it's been coming up again lately. I was encouraged to write about it when Ginny Owens' song, "I Am Nothing" came on the radio yesterday. It was so powerful...I'll post the words below.

Having been a Christian since childhood and growing up in Christian home, I was kind of shocked in the winter of 2009 when God made it very clear that I had no idea what it truly means to love. Some of you friends have heard me talk about this before... It started as something simple, I think it was a message I'd heard on the radio about love and something clicked in my heart and mind that made me realize I needed to think seriously about how loving I am to those around me. It was within the next week or so that our pastor's next sermon series was "coincidentally" titled "Love." And, again, within 3 weeks of that, I find out that the upcoming women's retreat "speaker" was a Beth Moore video series titled.. ehem, "Love." So here's my thoughts:

I am usually a pretty low drama, cut and dry, straight-forward personality. Combine that with a lack of true, godly love, and I'm afraid I've been very intolerant and/or impatient with people for various reasons. I had always written it off as my personality and I'm a huge believer in "Tough Love" (James Dobson has a fabulous book on it), but I'm just recently starting to see that we aren't meant to write everyone off in the name of tough love. Tough love has it's place, but sometimes, it's just plain No love.

My true heart's desire (under all stuff I'm working through) is to help people. I have been through quite a bit of "stuff" already in my life. If you're wondering here's a very quick recap: pastor's child :), severe personal and immediate family health issues,severe insecurity, teen pregnancy, teen parenting, spousal infidelity, divorce, low-income, single parenting, remarriage, family blending and most of what usually goes into all that. Oh my lands, I still have so much to learn, but God has been SO faithful and has brought me through every circumstance a little stronger and a little wiser. All that to say, when I see someone--a woman in particular--going through something difficult, I want to help! I want to share with her what God did for me and in me and help her be victorious in that situation! But here's the thing: not everyone wants to be victorious in my timing. Some people don't even want to hear what I have to say! And do you know what my thoughts have been? Lord, forgive me, but they have been somewhere along the lines of, "Fine, and good luck to you..." (note the sarcasm). And I write that person off. *Gasp* Do you hate me? I want so much to not be that way anymore! I am in no way endorsing enabling people. That is a whole 'nother thing and a whole 'nother blog post. Somewhere, there is a balance between truly loving someone and enabling them. And I'm excited to find this balance.

I am an extremist by nature/personality... I don't know why I just am. I was talking with my parents about it, and was to the point of wondering, am I sick? should I be on medication for this?? :) Seriously, though, I joke about it, but I cannot clean the bathroom if I don't have enough time to wash and dry the rugs or if I've already showered (bathrooms are dirty!). My mom suggested just cleaning the toilet and sink once a week and I thought I was going to go into convulsions. Ha! Honestly, I'm doing better, and this is also another post in itself, so getting back to my main point--I have to find the balance! I have to be able to be loving to people regardless of what they do! Regardless of whether they take my advice, or even listen to my advice! The "fix-it" nature in me has surrendered to a lot of pruning lately.

I can't believe I'm writing this down for all of you to read. Now if I'm ever impatient with one of you, you're gonna know what my problem is!! Arg... hello, new level of accountability, I knew this day would come. Stephan and I were in the dollar store the other day--he had specifically wanted to get dollar store pens. Whatever. Anyways, they had these cute wall sticker thingies with pretty sayings for a dollar, so I picked a couple up. My dishwasher was fixed the day before (can I hear an amen and hallelujah?!), and I'd been at a friends house who has one of the cute sticker saying on her dishwasher, so, after getting mine all cleaned up, I thought, hey! I'll put one on my dishwasher and make it cute, too! So, I looked at the two I got and decided which one was "dishwasher appropriate". I stuck it on there without much thought. So then, yesterday, I'm listening to that Ginny Owens' song I mentioned and realizing I still have a lot of work and praying to do about being loving and I go to unload the dishwasher. But stopped in my tracks when I realized what I had put on my dishwasher (I literally was only looking at the design when I put it on):

Yep. It has big, bold letters that say, "LOVE". Sometimes, I want to ask God, "Am I really that dense?!". :) He'd probably say, "yes". Do you struggle with being truly loving? This is something I will continue to work on, I'm sure, so I'll post more scriptures and stuff on this topic soon. Would love to hear your thoughts on it as well!


I Am Nothing, Ginny Owens
I could travel over oceans, cross the deserts, climb the mountains
Just to share your story, bring you glory, and win souls for you.
I could sing like an angel, songs so humble and so thankful
Full of drama and emotion, so the world would know your truth.
I could give away my money and my clothes and my food
To restore those people who are poor, lost, and down-and-out.
Oh, I could succeed at all these things,
Find favor with peasants and kings,
But if I do not love, I am nothing.

I could live a flawless life,
Never cheat or steal or lie,
And always speak so kindly, smile warmly, and go about doing good.
I could dedicate myself to do what everyone else wants me to-
Listen to them, compliment them, say the things I should.
I could show up every sunday, lead the choir and Bible study
And they all might come to know me as a leader and a friend.
Oh, I could achieve success on earth, but success cannot define my worth
And all these actions, all these words, will not matter in the end-

Chorus:
Songs will fade to silence,
Stories, they will cease.
The dust will settle, covering all my selfless deeds.
So as I strive to serve you,
Won't you make it clear to me,
If I do not love, I am nothing.

Bridge:
If I cannot live my life loving my brother,
Then how can I love the one who lived his life for me?

Sent to earth from heaven,
Humble servant, holy king,
Come to share a story, get no glory, and save my searching soul,
You knew that I'd deny you, crucify you, but nothing could stop you from
Living for me, dying for me, so that I would know-

Chorus:
Songs will fade to silence,
Stories will cease,
The dust will settle covering these selfless deeds.
But your life here has made it clear enough for me to see
That if I do not love, I am nothing

Journaling and other rabbit trails...

So, I haven't actually told anyone about this blog yet. Except my parents and my sister. Yet, no comments from them, psh. Some family.
I am not a big "bloggy" person, but the Lord has been on my case to write things down! Especially when he is speaking to me specifically or really reveals himself. I have continued to procrastinate with this concept of journaling, and I honestly type faster than I write, so that's a big reason for blogging right there. But, I also want to share what God is bringing me through and things I've learned in hopes that it might encourage someone else, too! I struggle with wondering why anyone would really care to hear what I have to say... I most certainly do not have it all together and the last thing I would want is to appear that I have it all figured out, therefore, read my blog. No, no, no! So, I argued that over with God for a while...that I still have so much to learn, I can't be used to minister to others like that yet...etc... I kinda think God thought it would be funny to use my own words against me. I had one of my many journals out recently--as I do every so often--intending to purge it from the old pages that reminded me of my inconsistencies (i.e. the entry dated 11-18-09, immediately followed by an entry dated 3-19-10) so that I could start using the journal 'fresh' and journal every day like a good little Christian (ha). As I neatly pulled out the small front portion to throw away, the first entry caught my eye. It was titled, "Ready in Season" and was an entry I had written about a portion I'd read from My Utmost for His Highest (a must-read) that day. I read through what I had written in the first few lines and here's what it said: (bear in mind, now, that this is in the same time that I'm arguing with the Lord about not being ready to be used...)

    2 Timothy 4:2 - 'Be ready in and out of season'. 'The season does not refer to time, it refers to us' (My Utmost). It means doing our best for God, whether we feel equipped, inspired, or prepared or not. 2 Timothy 3: 16-17 - 'All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.'

And so, here I am. :) Simply being obedient to God's calling to share with others and trusting him to do with it what he will. I do hope you are blessed by it. And share with me, too!

No Condemnation Explained

You can find this in the tab above, but I wanted to post it here to be sure you read it! That way you won't think I'm crazy when I reference the 'low, dark cloud'. 'Cause I'm sure I won't do or say anything else to make you think I'm crazy.

No Condemnation Explained :

When Stephan and I got married (almost 3 years ago!), he would say "no condemnation" whenever I was feeling down about what I didn't get done or did wrong or should have said, etc. It was the beginning of a radical shift in my way of thinking, and, come to find out, it was a way of thinking that held me captive to my own self-condemnation (and still does, at times!).

We often have such high ideals, long "to-do" lists, and any number of people depending on us every day. I'm sure it has much to do with the fast-paced culture we live in, but I'm not here to analyze why--just to deal with the problem! The ever-increasing demand and expectations put on us--both by ourselves and others--are exhausting! And then, when you simply cannot keep up with it all, which inevitably happens, you quickly descend into a deep pit of despair as you continue to fall more and more behind... *insert dark, sorrowful music here*

Is it just me? It could be, sometimes it feels like I'm pretty out there... :) However, if you can relate to this at all, then what do you do with it? Do you realize that this happens? And if so, then what?

Listen to the Message's translation of Romans 8, verse 1 and half of verse 2: "With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's 'being-here-for-us' no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air..."

Hallelujah! I hate living under a continuous, low-lying black cloud, don't you? It is a daily decision to remind yourself daily--sometimes hourly or 'minutely'--that we are not condemned! We have to learn to rely on the "new power", the "strong wind" to strengthen us to do what he has called us to do, ask forgiveness when we fail, and move on quickly--not allowing the black cloud to overtake you.

This blog is intended for a number of things.
1) To help ME keep from living under the black cloud.
2) To encourage other women to keep from living under the black cloud.
3) To facilitate other women to connect and and encourage each other.

This certainly is not a blog with all the answers...I believe strongly in the words of Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: "Two are better than one...If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." Women, especially, are designed to encourage and "help each other up". I am excited to be apart of that! Sometimes things are light and humorous, sometimes things are serious, and sometimes I'm afraid I'm a twisted combination of the two... :) I hope you can find encouragement and feel free to participate in discussions. We're all in this together, you know?!

Do you struggle with self-condemnation? How do you handle it? Care to share?! Please do. :)

Keep above the clouds!

No Condemnation in Action

Yes, this is my kitchen. I have mixed feelings about Spring Break. No, we do not drink that much Dutch Bros. Hot Chocolate. Just re-use the cups. Oh Lord, please don't let my mom see this post. No condemnation, right? :) So, if your sink looks like mine, don't get under the low, dark cloud! I'll do my dishes and you do yours, and we won't look back (or dwell on how many days they were there), k?

Living above the clouds!

Romans 8:1-2

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.