I Am Nothing... (and other rabbit trails)...

I laugh as I try to think of what to say and what not to say. I settled on a topic--one that the Lord has been working on me for over a year now--but I am starting to feel like the queen of rabbit trails!! I think it's actually more common (especially with women) than I realize, but man, my brain must be one HUGE plate of spaghetti (see the book Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti) 'cause everything always connects!! :) Ok, so that's my warning that each blog entry should have the addition of "and other rabbit trails" after each title. It may not bother you ladies as much, but I know it drives my hubby crazy and if I were writting this for him, he would already be so annoyed, he would have quit reading about 4 lines up... hehe... And, on my final rabbit trail of this paragraph, I am finding it SO hard to blog when there's any noise! If you've ever been to my office at the church (where I work part-time as the Early Childhood Director), you might be confused as to how I can get a surprising amount of work done in there and yet, need absolute silence to blog. Let me explain. My office is also the server room for the entire (large) network. It sounds like an airplane is getting ready to take off. But it never actually takes off. And I work just fine! I can't hear anybody talking outside my (open) door, but I work just fine! :) So, you can see why I'm a little disappointed that I can't write a post without absolute silence. So, I have exactly one hour where everyone's at school/sleeping and I chose to blog instead of shower. I'm gonna look like death warmed over when I get out to pick the kids up from school, but darnit, I blogged!!

Hmmm, I'm starting to think maybe I should title this post just "rabbit trails" and then start a new one. Sorry everyone. :)  So, assuming any of you are still reading, I am excited to collect all my thoughts in one place about what the Lord's been teaching me about love. I thought I was doing good and then, it's been coming up again lately. I was encouraged to write about it when Ginny Owens' song, "I Am Nothing" came on the radio yesterday. It was so powerful...I'll post the words below.

Having been a Christian since childhood and growing up in Christian home, I was kind of shocked in the winter of 2009 when God made it very clear that I had no idea what it truly means to love. Some of you friends have heard me talk about this before... It started as something simple, I think it was a message I'd heard on the radio about love and something clicked in my heart and mind that made me realize I needed to think seriously about how loving I am to those around me. It was within the next week or so that our pastor's next sermon series was "coincidentally" titled "Love." And, again, within 3 weeks of that, I find out that the upcoming women's retreat "speaker" was a Beth Moore video series titled.. ehem, "Love." So here's my thoughts:

I am usually a pretty low drama, cut and dry, straight-forward personality. Combine that with a lack of true, godly love, and I'm afraid I've been very intolerant and/or impatient with people for various reasons. I had always written it off as my personality and I'm a huge believer in "Tough Love" (James Dobson has a fabulous book on it), but I'm just recently starting to see that we aren't meant to write everyone off in the name of tough love. Tough love has it's place, but sometimes, it's just plain No love.

My true heart's desire (under all stuff I'm working through) is to help people. I have been through quite a bit of "stuff" already in my life. If you're wondering here's a very quick recap: pastor's child :), severe personal and immediate family health issues,severe insecurity, teen pregnancy, teen parenting, spousal infidelity, divorce, low-income, single parenting, remarriage, family blending and most of what usually goes into all that. Oh my lands, I still have so much to learn, but God has been SO faithful and has brought me through every circumstance a little stronger and a little wiser. All that to say, when I see someone--a woman in particular--going through something difficult, I want to help! I want to share with her what God did for me and in me and help her be victorious in that situation! But here's the thing: not everyone wants to be victorious in my timing. Some people don't even want to hear what I have to say! And do you know what my thoughts have been? Lord, forgive me, but they have been somewhere along the lines of, "Fine, and good luck to you..." (note the sarcasm). And I write that person off. *Gasp* Do you hate me? I want so much to not be that way anymore! I am in no way endorsing enabling people. That is a whole 'nother thing and a whole 'nother blog post. Somewhere, there is a balance between truly loving someone and enabling them. And I'm excited to find this balance.

I am an extremist by nature/personality... I don't know why I just am. I was talking with my parents about it, and was to the point of wondering, am I sick? should I be on medication for this?? :) Seriously, though, I joke about it, but I cannot clean the bathroom if I don't have enough time to wash and dry the rugs or if I've already showered (bathrooms are dirty!). My mom suggested just cleaning the toilet and sink once a week and I thought I was going to go into convulsions. Ha! Honestly, I'm doing better, and this is also another post in itself, so getting back to my main point--I have to find the balance! I have to be able to be loving to people regardless of what they do! Regardless of whether they take my advice, or even listen to my advice! The "fix-it" nature in me has surrendered to a lot of pruning lately.

I can't believe I'm writing this down for all of you to read. Now if I'm ever impatient with one of you, you're gonna know what my problem is!! Arg... hello, new level of accountability, I knew this day would come. Stephan and I were in the dollar store the other day--he had specifically wanted to get dollar store pens. Whatever. Anyways, they had these cute wall sticker thingies with pretty sayings for a dollar, so I picked a couple up. My dishwasher was fixed the day before (can I hear an amen and hallelujah?!), and I'd been at a friends house who has one of the cute sticker saying on her dishwasher, so, after getting mine all cleaned up, I thought, hey! I'll put one on my dishwasher and make it cute, too! So, I looked at the two I got and decided which one was "dishwasher appropriate". I stuck it on there without much thought. So then, yesterday, I'm listening to that Ginny Owens' song I mentioned and realizing I still have a lot of work and praying to do about being loving and I go to unload the dishwasher. But stopped in my tracks when I realized what I had put on my dishwasher (I literally was only looking at the design when I put it on):

Yep. It has big, bold letters that say, "LOVE". Sometimes, I want to ask God, "Am I really that dense?!". :) He'd probably say, "yes". Do you struggle with being truly loving? This is something I will continue to work on, I'm sure, so I'll post more scriptures and stuff on this topic soon. Would love to hear your thoughts on it as well!


I Am Nothing, Ginny Owens
I could travel over oceans, cross the deserts, climb the mountains
Just to share your story, bring you glory, and win souls for you.
I could sing like an angel, songs so humble and so thankful
Full of drama and emotion, so the world would know your truth.
I could give away my money and my clothes and my food
To restore those people who are poor, lost, and down-and-out.
Oh, I could succeed at all these things,
Find favor with peasants and kings,
But if I do not love, I am nothing.

I could live a flawless life,
Never cheat or steal or lie,
And always speak so kindly, smile warmly, and go about doing good.
I could dedicate myself to do what everyone else wants me to-
Listen to them, compliment them, say the things I should.
I could show up every sunday, lead the choir and Bible study
And they all might come to know me as a leader and a friend.
Oh, I could achieve success on earth, but success cannot define my worth
And all these actions, all these words, will not matter in the end-

Chorus:
Songs will fade to silence,
Stories, they will cease.
The dust will settle, covering all my selfless deeds.
So as I strive to serve you,
Won't you make it clear to me,
If I do not love, I am nothing.

Bridge:
If I cannot live my life loving my brother,
Then how can I love the one who lived his life for me?

Sent to earth from heaven,
Humble servant, holy king,
Come to share a story, get no glory, and save my searching soul,
You knew that I'd deny you, crucify you, but nothing could stop you from
Living for me, dying for me, so that I would know-

Chorus:
Songs will fade to silence,
Stories will cease,
The dust will settle covering these selfless deeds.
But your life here has made it clear enough for me to see
That if I do not love, I am nothing